If you fall into any of the above named and are still still here, you are either as dumb as a lump of clay, or enjoy getting pissed off.
I don't have a bunch of time on my hands to write because I am the dreaded "super mom" everyone bitches about. I spend my time educating my four year old, cleaning my house so well you can eat off the toilet seat, and inventing new meals. I clip coupons and keep an excel spreadsheet of the items in my freezer, meticulously plan and throw the best parties, hand dip and decorate each one of my dozens of home made Christmas cookies and exercise like a freak of nature to maintain my abs of steel. Got to keep up appearances. God forbid I "let myself go".
I enjoy being at home. It is a job and I do it well. I don't sit around on my ass, eat bon-bons, suck down vodka, and watch soaps all day. I bust my ass around here because I take my job as a stay at home Mom very seriously. I've been to the other side (work) and I don't like it. I found that most adults are far more irritating than my children could ever be.
That said (because I felt compelled to say it), I find the following highly irritating lately:
1. The effing "Elf on the Shelf" craze. Everything about it ticks me off, from the marketing of this dumb thing right down to the elf's androgynous face. The people pleasers will be quick to say, in a sing-songy voice "to each his own!" Bullshit. Quit trying to hide the fact that you hate it too. It's like Tebow. He wins a game or so and he's Jesus Christ. Everyone loves him. Some idiot writes a story about this elf and now I have added pressure in my life because everyone seems to have one.
Well not me. I don't have an elf. I am angry with the elf. I lie about the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and now I have to lie about some magical elf that reports to Santa on your behavior?
You misbehave in my house, Santa will still come. But if you royally mess up, keep getting trouble at school, or get F's on your report card, I take everything I bought you, throw it in the back of my truck, toss you into your seat, and we drive over to the Children's Hospital to have you donate it.
Eff the Elf on the Shelf. If I find one in your house, I'm going to throw it in a blender.
2. Now I understand not being a big fan of Christmas. I get a kick out of people wearing those Oscar the Grouch t-shirts that say, "Bah humbug" on them. Some people just don't like Christmas and that's ok, but people who are Grinches ALL year, annoy me. These people are just plain angry and annoyed at everything and everyone.
You smile at them and they give you the finger. You say hello and they tell you to fuck off. You're minding your own business driving down the street to pick up your Scentsy products and some lunatic with one shoe on follows you to the house and starts screaming obscenities at you because you may, or may not have had your headlights on.
People are psycho. I blame scotch.
3. People who bitch about changes to Facebook. Let's address this one, shall we?
I woke up this morning to yet more changes to Facebook and thought, oh cool, a timeline, look at that! I knew Facebook had plans to do this during the summer because I'm a nerd and read "Wired" magazine on the toilet. I didn't know when they were going to roll it out, but I was looking forward to it because it was "different".
What I also woke up to this morning (besides cereal spilled all over the kitchen floor) was a number of people complaining about the "new Facebook".
It's not "new". It's a little thing called technology and it evolves all the time. If it didn't, we'd be in huge trouble my friends. I'd be composing this wonderful piece of literature on a piece of papyrus with a bamboo pen.
One in four children in this country live in poverty and your day has been ruined because of changes to Facebook. If it wasn't considered assault to punch you in the face, I would do it. Twice.
4. It's that time of year again! Time for the "Family Christmas Letter". You know, the one when you learn all about what Mr. Whiskers the cat has been up to all year and the size of Aunt Mary's goiter (has it really grown that much?!)
It's fine to include a letter of some sort I suppose, especially if you are sending cards out to every Tom, Dick, and Sally in your address book. We all like to hear how much little Timmy has grown and how many winning goals Betty made in soccer this year. What I can't tolerate is the "Family Brag Letter" which is all I ever seem to receive. It details every little accomplishment as momentous celebration right down to five year old Tommy learning to tie his Velcro shoes. Newsflash: I don't care that you ran 1,482 miles in a marathon. I don't care if you have spent the year traveling the world. I don't care that you spent your year on sabbatical visiting sick children in 3rd world orphanages.
And I REALLY don't care to hear anything about what your 40 year old "children" have been doing all year. Let them write their own damned letter and fill it with garbage like you have for the last 35 years. If you can't find anything interesting that happened in your own life this past year, that you must write about what your 40 year old "children", please stop writing letters!
And finally,
5. People who want a "Godly man" in the White House next year to cure the insanity. Funny on so many levels that I don't even know where to begin ripping this one apart. I think it does a fine job all by itself.
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