I Wear a Cape, Don't Judge.

Well, I hate to admit this ladies and gentlemen, but *ahem*

I'm human.

The proof was the wet stuff that came out of my eyes this morning after seeing an ultrasound of a friend's new little blessing (who I am VERY happy for by the way).

Aside from slicing onions and my horrible seasonal allergies, I haven't cried since my Papa died in 2009. It typically does take a death to get me to cry, I'm otherwise stuffing it in. I do have feelings, but over the course of the last 36 years I have gotten very good at concealing them. It seems like there are only two people in my life that know when something is wrong just by looking at me: my husband and for some strange reason, my Sensei.

I've always had the ability to turn off feelings like a light switch. It was one of the things I thought would work well for me in the police force. I was able to distance myself and detach. It must have been some weird coping mechanism I learned along the way in life. Whatever the case, I know it isn't too healthy, but it's me. It helps me at work because I can't bring a bad day to work. Whatever issues I'm having get checked at the door. I can pick them up later after I leave, but no child or adult in the place will ever have to deal with me in a bad mood.

I've never had to deal with what I'm dealing with now. I'm not about to disclose what that is here, or at any other place on the Internet. Some things are just too personal to "put out there". I allow a lot of people to know a lot of things about me because I'm confident in who I am and I'm not afraid of what people think. I don't care about what people think. But some things I will always keep to myself no matter who you are.

I don't whine (much) and I rarely complain about things that are beyond my control. The things I can control, I don't complain about and I certainly do not make excuses for. I am a control freak and if I can control it, I damn well will, so when something comes into my life that I can not control, I have an extremely hard time of things. I feel like right now I am doing everything I possibly can, but I know that ultimately it is beyond my control.

And this is where God comes in, those electrons bumping into each other, or just plain random luck. Sad, but between the drum beating pagans and the in-your-face preachy folk, I don't know what I believe in anymore so I'll close my eyes and pick. It's not in my control and maybe, just maybe, if I keep repeating that to myself enough times it will sink in.

A few people have said (out loud) that it's good to see that I'm human just like everyone else. What exactly does that mean? Does that mean that I am emotionally void, or does it mean people think I'm some sort of superhero? Because I've been told that I'm a heartless bitch, and I've also been told that there are so many people who would love to be like me. So which is it? Surely nobody wants to be a heartless bitch? Or maybe they would (it is a redeeming quality is some circumstances).

*closes my eyes and picks one*

Emotionally void, no. Good at hiding it, yes. I could be smiling the most happy smile and be crying, or super ticked off on the inside. One would never know. I keep it together for the people around me. All the time. I have no choice. I am a mother, I am a wife, I am an employee, and people look up to me. I can't be some kind of emotional basket case that cries at Hallmark commercials.

I'm tough. Yeah. Some sort of superhero. They should make a movie about me. I could wear my karate gi, my boxing gloves, my ballet slippers, have my 9mm glock strapped to my belt, and do burpees all while I'm cooking dinner for my four kids. If I burn myself on some hot grease, I won't cry. No. I'm so hot that I can burn that grease right back. Yep, superhero.

I've got it all together all the time.

Some of you are learning that's not true and that's a good thing to learn about me. No matter how perfect my make-up looks, how well my clothes coordinate, how my hair falls just so, how well I can do push-ups, how high I can kick an ouda (left leg of course), and not die during kickboxing, I'm just like you.

I am trying to stick to my new nutrition plan. I had a cup of coffee for breakfast followed up with a 50 gram protein shake. I had a 50 gram protein shake for dinner with a Cliff Bar for dessert. What did I have in between? A greasy, fatty, cheese ridden, sloppy-ass cheese steak for lunch and a giant piece of Key Lime pie that I ate with my fingers for dessert. Actually, I had two cheese steaks.

See, I'm human.