Some things are just plain unexplainable: how the world came to be, deja vu, near death experiences, or how anyone could possibly dislike Chevy Chase. The one thing that I can not explain to anyone (including myself at times) is my karate training and the sheer level I try every day to bring it to.
I don't know how many times I have been called crazy, stupid, nuts, and any other synonym I failed to recall resembling the word "crazy". On the other side of that, I've also been called motivating, inspiring, and dedicated. It's safe to say that I appreciate all of the compliments. Yes, I even find the word "crazy" complimentary.
In fact, being called "crazy" and "inspiring" are great words to describe me. Most of the time, I feel a little more crazy than inspiring (especially if you've ever been sad witness to one of my horrible ushiro geris). When someone calls me crazy, to me it means that just maybe they don't understand why I do what I do often to the point of physical exhaustion, injury, and mental collapse where I cry all the way home from the dojo only to do it all again the next day.
It does seem crazy to a lot of people I imagine. Have you ever purposely poured all of your heart and spirit into something that you never even knew you liked doing until many years down the road?
I signed up as a white belt 5 years ago this coming January. The only reason I signed up in the first place was because I needed something to do. I needed to get off my lazy butt and do something and at the time, it was going to be pretty much anything. It just so happened that my son wanted to do it, so I said what the heck, it would get my stagnant butt to exercise and it would get me out of the house two nights a week.
I had absolutely no clue what I was getting myself into, but there I was on a Monday night in a beginners gi and a white belt I didn't know how to tie. I had no idea that on that very Monday night standing there in my stiff crinkly gi that the moment when I first stepped foot on that mat, would begin a life long journey of self discovery.
I HATED IT and I QUIT after one month.
For some reason, I thought it would be easy. I was a ballerina! If I could double and even triple pirouette on pointe shoes, surely Karate would be simple to learn! Oh no. My body was moving in ways that it had never moved before. It was uncomfortable, awkward, and it hurt. It hurt parts of me I never even knew I had. Yeah, Karate SUCKED and it wasn't for me. I told my husband that we were in a contract so he had to go use the rest of the year up that I had signed up for. He wasn't happy.
I don't know why, but after about 8 months I decided that I would try it again. I never looked back. I don't know what made me try again. Maybe it was Greg who didn't like it and his endless groaning about having to go, or maybe it was my Sensei and his endless questioning of when I'm coming back. That man has a very sneaky way of things.
He lights this fire under your butt, in your head, in your mind, and you have no idea how it got there, or when it arrived. I can't tell you what year it was, what day it was, or what belt I was, but this spark lit a massive fire.
You would never know by looking at me today how I was when I first began. I never smiled, never talked to anyone, and had the most horrible self-loathing defeatist attitude. I had no confidence, put forth little to no effort, and didn't even attempt to give any effort. I really wasn't that interested until...I got my yellow belt. Then, I got my yellow/black belt, then orange and I won gold medals, and green, and blue, then purple and I won more gold medals, now one year into brown. How the heck did I do that?
Now somewhere in there, I got to the place I have a hard time describing. It is unbelievable to me to look back on the person I was then five years ago and see the person that I am now. Not once in my wildest dreams (it wasn't even a dream of mine) did I think I would be teaching classes, or coaching fitness teams, giving advice, motivating others, leading people, and absolutely LOVING each day that I get to train.
I never knew that I WAS this person and that I probably was this person all along. Thinking about this journey of self growth brings tears to my eyes because it has been so wonderful and unique. In my 36 or so years, I've been a part of some pretty amazing and incredible things and I've done some pretty amazing and incredible things, but Karate is the most incredible. I don't think there is any other sport on earth that has the ability to awaken the human spirit like Karate does, or maybe it's the Sensei and his, or her love of Karate that awakens it in others.
At times, the journey is not easy. It's downright hard. The physical challenge, the mental challenge, the challenge each day to be better than you were the day before. The discovery that there are some parts of you that are disgusting, ugly, and hurtful and the realization that all of these things can and will change over time, given time.
The discovery that you can be amazing in ways you never even thought. There are things inside you that are perfect, good, and wonderful and all you needed was a little discipline and someone to tell you the truth. Even if that truth isn't what you want to hear, it's what you need to hear.
The discovery that getting a black belt is not, in fact, the destination, the end goal, or any kind of goal at all. It's a state of mind, a love in the heart, and fire in the spirit.
And to think all I was getting was just some exercise...
No comments:
Post a Comment