My stomach has been in knots for weeks. It seems that I've been worrying far too much about things I have absolutely no control over. In the past, I've been pretty good about just letting things roll off me, but lately I have been extremely emotional and it is horrible.
Maybe I'm not dead inside as once thought.
I've recently ended a friendship for reasons only a couple of people very close to me are aware of. I just couldn't continue pretending. It's not me. I've asked for advice on how to deal with this situation and what I have gotten for the most part, is people telling me they would be too chicken shit to do anything at all. I can't just sit here and pretend everything is great. I can't go day to day in interactions as if nothing is wrong. It's fake and I refuse to be that way. I feel terrible, but I feel as if it's the right thing to do at this point. Maybe someday I will have the courage to tell this person why I ended our relationship, then again, maybe not. Some things are just better left unsaid.
I admitted to failure this week for the first time in a very long time. It was my own fault I didn't rank test this weekend. I was disappointed. A discussion ensued about what failure is. I've talked about "epic failure" before and my issues with failure. I will make it clear once again, that I do not view myself as a "failure", but I do know when I have "failed". Failing myself is a concept that is relatively new to me.
Failing academically: not new (horrible at science and anything above 3rd grade math) . Failing socially: not new (overtly obnoxious, blunt, and truth telling).
Failing athletically: new.
Math classes. How many have I failed in my lifetime? Pretty much all of them. Except Algebra in 9th grade because I copied off Rob Berry's tests. I was only allowed to graduate High School with an "F" in Geometry because I showed "effort".
Socially, I am an "acquired" taste. I can be harsh, brutally honest, downright irritating, snarky, spoiled, political, grandiose, dramatic, attention seeking, and a lot of the times a royal pain in your ass! But it's because I like you. If I am none of these things to you, you need to worry.
Athleticism has always been a HUGE deal with me. I have been an active athlete since the age of 3. I'm 35 now and this has not changed, not even slightly. Well, maybe it has. I'm now even more fierce than I have ever been. I have always been the best of the best and when I come up short of that, it is a very big blow to my ego.
It crushes.
When my Sensei tapped me on the shoulder last Tuesday, shook his head, and said "I'm sorry", it was a punch to the gut. I already knew it was coming. I hadn't practiced nearly enough as I should have. I knew I wasn't ready for brown belt and I didn't need him to tell me what I already knew. Yet, when he did, it sank me. I think I was holding onto this little glimmer of hope that I could pull it off it in a couple of days and be ready for Saturday. I worked my tail off the rest of the week and when Saturday came, I was better. Yet still, not good enough.
Could I have tested on Saturday? Probably. Would I have passed? Probably. But would I have learned anything? No.
I have THE best Sensei on the planet. He knows what he is doing even though he may not feel as if he does half the time. I admire him, appreciate him, respect him, and I understand his choices. Now.
He is building my character. I wish everyone could have a Sensei Willy in their life.
And so, it bothered me a great deal at first that I wasn't prepared to test for 3rd kyu, but I honestly wasn't surprised. You are only as good as the effort you put forth and all of my effort just wasn't there this time, but it is now and I will come back stronger and better than ever because the only way I will be conquered as an athlete is when they bury me. Only then is "game over".
Switching gears slightly, my husband is on a plane to Oklahoma as a write this. Many inquiring minds still want to know, mainly because they don't read this stupid blog, or take the time to talk to me. News flash: Greg is having his vasectomy reversed.
Let me address your potential issues and questions as they may arise in your brain:
Yes, we already have four kids.
Yes, the oldest child will be 10 soon.
Our marriage is fine.
We are very happy.
This is our choice.
Yes, we are "older".
We will make room.
I will still do karate as able.
Yes, we can afford it.
We are VERY happy.
If you are NOT supportive, you can hit the road and I can't say that enough. I don't need you. Oh, here is that mentioned blunt personality "flaw". I said I was an acquired taste.
The kids are very excited. Kayleigh is a little worried we will wind up with a 4th boy. She said and I quote, "Mommy, if we have another boy, I will just go crazy!" But I see it as if we have another boy, she will be all the more special...as if she isn't already.
I am worried though about my husband. He is off to Oklahoma to have his surgery. I know he will be fine. The success rate is very good. I just worry that I won't be there for him until he flies home on Thursday.
I'm also worried:
It will take time
I'm too old
Family will be unsupportive
I will lose my job
*sigh*
And I have yet to mention that my baby brother is being deployed to Afghanistan in a few days leaving a wife and a newborn baby behind for an entire YEAR. Yes, to think that you and I have problems...God bless my brother.
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