These Things Annoy Me (take #96)

So an individual by the name of xxx (I don't name names unless I don't like you), has inspired me to write yet again about the things that annoy me:

The January 2012 edition.

1. Those who can not navigate the 'Traffic Circle"

Attention: Those IN the traffic circle, have what we call, the right of way. This means that if you are IN the circle going around and around, you have the right to be going around and around. The person coming in from the left, or from the right has no right to cut you off, not look while entering, or give me the hairy eyeball as you come into the circle two feet ahead of my car in an attempt to cut me off as I come around. I am IN the circle before you. You have to wait for me. If you don't, you will hear a VERY loud horn followed by the Jersey Bird.

2. The asshole in the grocery store:

Attention: I have "a list". I have a very detailed list. I have looked at the weekly ad. I have clipped my coupons. I have downloaded store coupons. And I have checked, double checked, and cross checked my coupons against those items that are on sale.

I am on a mission. With my list.

Do not. I repeat, do not get in my way.

Do not stop in front of the stack of grapes and inspect each bag for a wrinkled grape. I want a bag of grapes and any bag will do. Preferably, I want the biggest one. I will weed out the rotten ones before I stick them into my kid's lunch boxes.

Do not stand in front of the cans of tuna comparing the tuna in water vs. the tuna in oil, calories, weight, price per ounce, chunk, light, albacore, mined or whateverthefuck. I see it's 10 for $10 on Bumblebee and that's the shit I want.

Do not block the bread aisle comparing bread brands. Wheats, whites, whole grains, Sara Lee, Wonder, Wonder Kids, split top butter, multi-grain, rolled oat, smart white, Arnolds Bakery. It's bread. Bread is bread. You are going to eat two slices a day...maybe. Maybe you have a ton of kids like I do. In that case, buy what's on sale and move along.

Oh and have your coupons out and in order before you get to the checkout. Do not, DO NOT stand there in front of me searching through your purse looking for that one last coupon that will save you 35 cents. I will GIVE you the 35 cents. My ice cream is melting!

3. Do not challenge me on politics with a weak candidate during an election year. I will bury you with facts. Those who do challenge me will wind up unfriending and blocking me on facebook (Donna Miller), and wind up sending me anonymous hate mail for days. Really?

Mitt and Rick are assclowns. Prove me otherwise. I dare you.

4. People who think there is a miracle cure for weight loss.

I blame television for this delusion. The only thing that will make you lose weight is regular exercise and a good diet. There is no magic pill. There is no magic exercise. There is no magic anything. It's the good old get off your ass and do it just as it has always been. It's the only thing that will work. Period. If there was a cure for laziness, we'd all be skinny.

Sure, easy for you to say you skinny bitch.

I'm not skinny by magic.

5. Shitbag "Code Enforcement":

You are the bane of my existence. You come by two days after garbage collection to tell me my garbage can is "visible". You tell me my newspaper has spent too many days in my driveway. You tell me my backyard landscaping has "not been approved by the board". You tell me my swing set is "too tall". In summer, you alert me that my trees are not cut back far enough and they are forcing people to duck under them as they walk by. In winter when it snows or ices over, my walks are not "clear" within the 24 hours allotted and I have one more day to clear the 12 inch thick ice or I'll be going to court.

Go.To.Hell. And go to hell anyone in my neighborhood who reported me for "violations".