3rd Kyu: Testing Reflections

I knew the boy and girl were going to make it. Easy. Especially the girl because she is beyond awesome.

Me, well, I was worried about it all the way up to the point were I was called up to receive my belt.

Did I pass? My kumite was horrible. I was thrown off because my opponent was none other than my Sensei. How did I kiai in the wrong place in a kata I have been doing for years?

Psst...Sta, do you think he'll fail me because I kiai'ed in the wrong place?

What caught me most off guard was that I was going to be testing by myself. It would be the first time. Up until today, I had always been with at least one other person on test day. I immediately started to worry when I was told that the other purple belt I was supposed to test with wasn't ready. It was just me.

Well crap.

It's not that I wasn't prepared to test alone because I could have done the test with my eyes closed. It's just that I was not prepared to test alone. I'm aware that it doesn't make sense to many people reading this, but I'm certain it makes sense to a few.

Jebus Kyra, you can't make ANY mistakes because there is nobody else to look at! There is some comfort in having someone testing right along side of you. At least, that is what I have grown used to. It's a feeling as if we are in this together. I looked to my right and I looked to my left and there was nobody. It was me. And in front of me were two Senseis.

I pretended they weren't there. If it was just going to be me, it was just going to be me. The moment that test began, nobody else was even in that room. It was me and my kihon and me and my katas. I could have been in front of the President of the United States and I would not even have noticed.

I rocked that test and my scores reflected that I did. I worked so hard in these past eight months. I have gotten angry with my Sensei, angry with myself, angry at anyone who doubted me. I realize now, expressing that doubt, was a motivator. The seed of doubt, planted in my head, resulted in many nights coming home from the dojo crying, lashing out at people that I don't normally lash out on, and working my ass off extra hard.

My Sensei knows what he is doing and I trust him. It has taken me four years to come to this point.

I understand now.

It isn't about winning. It's not about taking home medal after medal at tournaments. It isn't about how quickly you advance to the next belt. It isn't even about getting to the next belt, or moving onto the next kata.

It's about being your belt and all of the belts you've gotten before it. Your reward should only come after you realize this.

I earned my first advanced belt in Shotokan today and I'm darned proud of it, but what I am most proud of is my personal growth. I feel that my character has grown exponentially in these past eight months and I owe it all to someone who would only tell me the truth.