The Post I Deleted

I had an entire entry titled: "Don't Steal my Thunder" and I deleted it. I've been thinking twice about the things I write and share publicly within the last month or so because I represent something I do, love, and respect.

I'm trying to hold myself to the saying, " Dear Lord, I need your arm around my shoulder, and your hand over my mouth!"

And that my friends, is a hard thing for me to do and has resulted in a lot less blog entries. Anyone who knows me knows that I have chronic diarrhea of the mouth that I refuse to take pills for. It's a problem and I am aware of it. Lately, I have been shutting my mouth in places where I would have let it run on like the almighty Mississippi and I almost let the dam break and flood yesterday.

*wipes brow*

It was a close one.

The thing is, I write to express myself and I enjoy expressing those thoughts and feelings with others. I have been doing it for a good ten years now and for ten years, I have had people love and encourage what I have to say. I've always been the one who says what others are thinking, but are afraid to say. It's just me. I am acquired, bitter taste, but always mean well.

I have spoken my mind and heart since I was a kid. It has gained me enemies and pissed people off along the way oh yes, but it has also gained me more friends than I can count. It has inspired people, motivated people, given people strength, made them laugh, made them think, and made them feel that they weren't alone. I do not claim to speak for all people, but I do speak to a lot of them and for a lot of them when they can't find their own voice for whatever reason.

Lately, when something is bothering me, my blog no longer the place I turn. I bitch to my friends. I bitch to my husband. I bitch to anyone that will listen. Yesterday though, I had to type it out and it helped me a great deal. Nothing helps me work through my feelings better than writing it out. I hit the "save now" button and not the "publish" button.

Maybe I had ought to think this one through.

Shortly after, I went to dinner and told my best friend what I had blogged about and she thought I was crazy.

In hindsight, she was right (as she usually is). She has a way about her that compliments me perfectly. After dinner and a chat with her that brought me back to earth, I revisited my entry and hit the "delete" button. What am I so upset about? I was being completely ridiculous, not to mention, I was acting like a crazy jealous girlfriend, or betrayed friend. Yet, somehow I knew that my feelings were and are justified.

I am jealous.

And I'll just have to get over it.