What I Hate About Me

Another person today told me that I have been an inspiration for them. It's a handful of people now who have told me that over the last few months. I've been thanked for what I have done for them. I've been told by multiple people that I have single-handedly given them courage, strength, and determination to go out and do things they've only thought of doing.

I sit here on days like today and wonder how the hell I've done that. The past few days, I've been nothing but a self-defeating crybaby.

And I have been this way all my life. Life and sunshine for others. I have a way to get people going and spark motivation. I tell people and and instill in my children the value of never giving up. If you give up, you will never grow. If you give up, you can never know what you may become. If you give up, you limit yourself while there are already plenty of people in this world trying to put limits on you.

So why is it then that when I face challenges, my own instinct is to give up?

How many of us remain a source of strength for others, but don't have that same strength for ourselves? I spend my time pushing it all outward and when I take a moment to look inside, it's empty. I don't know where personal strength comes from, but I do know that I need a lot of it. I crumble every time someone tells me I'm not good enough.

I get frustrated, angry, and sad.

I know I am in charge of my own moods. I choose to feel lonely. I choose to feel sad. And lately, I have been choosing to feel defeated. My mood is my choice and my days are automatically dictated by my choice. I consciously know this. I'm a grown woman.

I want better for my own daughter. I don't want her to feel the way I do. I want her to rise above every adversity that life will give her. I want her to smile and laugh and not be disappointed in herself like I am all the time. I want her to have the strength that I lack. I don't want her to collapse into a ball of garbage for days over something someone says.

I don't want to internalize every disappointment and view it as a failure.

So many people are inspired by me, but many may not see the soft shell inside that gets just as hurt as a five year old sometimes. Something tells me that it's ok to be that way, but I don't like it. My father taught me to be tough as nails and I am, but I am still a weak and weepy little girl on the inside.

Right now, I want to give up on something I love and that I have dedicated myself to for the last four years because words have once again, hurt me. I have internalized them and somehow see myself as failing. There are people in my life who continue to tell me this is growth...

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won."

-Ayn Rand